Attention All Doctors

Attention all doctors:
Adherence to these guidelines will assure the highest quality transcribed reports in the shortest amount of time.

1. At the beginning of the dictation, take as deep a breath as you possibly can. Now, try to dictate the entire report before you have to inhale again.

2. When dictating a particularly difficult word or phrase, please turn your head and speak directly into your armpit.

3. We charge per character, including periods. An effective way to cut your costs is to dictate your entire report as one sentence.

4. It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

5. If you have to sneeze or cough suddenly, please remove your head from your armpit and sneeze or cough directly into the microphone.

6. If you must eat while you dictate, please stay away from foods such as marshmallows, bananas, and pudding. Apples, pretzels, and celery are much better choices.

7. Please don't stop dictating when you yawn. It throws off our rhythm.

8. If the patient's name is Alan Ratzlaffenhasenphepherzinsky, please have the courtesy to spell "Alan" - there are several possible spellings. For the last name, simply state "the usual spelling".

9. It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

10. Please note: The phrase "well-developed, well-nourished white female" is only three syllables.

11. Cardiologists: It is not necessary to dictate at the rate of your patient's atrial fibrillation.

12. Do not stop dictating in the event of minor background noise such as an office party, the janitor's vacuum cleaner, a screaming infant, etc. Again, it throws off our rhythm.

13. Be sure to place the emPHASsis on the CORrect syLLABLE, especially if EnGLISH is your SECond lanGUAGE.

14. It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

15. Talk as fast as you possibly can. Fair's fair. After all, we type as fast as we possibly can.

16. Please speak as quietly as you can...We want to be able to hear what's going on around you.

17. If you need to pause for 5 or 10 minutes between words or phrases, pounding the receiver on the desk, or repeatedly saying "still dictating...still dictating..." or "check...check...check...check..." reminds us that, indeed, you are still dictating.

18. Just because you need to use the restroom is no reason to stop dictating. Time is money!

19. Don't dictate so loudly that you disrupt your fellow physicians' football game in the doctors' lounge. In fact, you really should whisper all of your dictation, especially those lab values, since the information is confidential.

20. Similarly, if you are going to watch TV while dictating at home, please watch a war movie with lots of bombing and be sure to have the volume high enough so everybody in your living room can hear above your talking.

21. If you need to correct yourself-sorry, correct an error, please do not rewind the tape-sorry, do not back up and record over the error-sorry, wait, the mistake-just continue with the sentence-wait-go back-with the paragraph and fix the error-err, the mistake.

22. Please go back and delete the last guideline.

23. When dictating on your cell phone from your car, be sure to go through as many tunnels as possible. This will ensure confidentiality of the information.

24. You (y-o-u) do not need (n-e-e-d) to spell (s-p-e-l-l) obvious words (w-o-r-d-s) for us (u-s). It is our job (j-o-b) to know (k-n-o-w) how to (t-o) spell words that (t-h-a-t) we learned (l-e-a-r-n-e-d) in third (t-h-i-r-d) grade (g-r-a-d-e).

25. One last thing: It is not necessary to repeat the same sentence multiple times in the same dictation.

(And they think machines can do our jobs?)